overwhelmed

There has been a lot of aspects in our relationships that has come to mind in the past few weeks. This on going arguments concerning sacrifices and putting things against me will haunt my thoughts for quite sometime. Dependency is one thing because I do depend on you on certain aspects in our relationship, but to solely depend my whole entire being to you is something that I feel I can’t give you right now. I also feel like you expecting me to do just that, is really a lot and shouldn’t be even be asked from any person at this point in a relationship. It’s one thing to expect certain things in a relationship, but to expect a lot of different aspects all at once is overwhelming, it will take time little by little. And I also feel like you expecting all these things is somewhat of your expectations for YOUR ideal person in mind that you’re trying to mold me into. I mean, do you love me for me or do you love the idea of me? With all your expectations, kind of puts certain things as if it were an obligation rather than willingness. You say you understand me and that you realize that this is the type of person that you are, but do you know whether or not it's right for you to be acting the way you do? You want to be in control, and I think that’s because you grew up feeling like the man should be the authoritive one, which is something I totally disagree because that’s not how I grew up. I’m grateful for what BOTH of my parents have sacrificed for me because I recognize what they both did for me. And yes it may be true that my mom has sacrificed a lot, I mean geez, she is raising 2 kids all by herself. But it doesn’t mean that my dad didn’t sacrifice anything for us, him going to the PI alone is a big sacrifice, him standing up to his family for us I respect. I think, a lot of your actions reflects on how you view relationship, and since the only real relationship that you have as an example and have come to know are your parents’, you try to mold our relationship like them, which I don’t think is right. You can’t just take things and mold it to become yourself but use it as a learning tool. I want us to still be able to stand up on our two feet by our self; people can still me as Carla and you as mike. And yes, you’ll probably be a different person if you lived here, but our reality is not that case; either try to deal with it or don’t. this is not what we were wanting, how we're living.....

last draw?

"actions speaks louder than words" for awhile i thought that was true, but in a recent intrication, i've learned otherwise. that no matter how much you've showed someone, especially your significant other how much they mean to you, one word can change somethings if not all. it hurts to hear you say those words to me even if it was out of anger, and it's going to take a lot of time for me to get over it, and honestly, i dont know where and how to begin to deal with it. i'm sure i've said things that hurt you as well, but i never ever intentionally said those things to hurt you. that was the difference between us....unintentional.

our hardest fights and arguments has been about a subject that shouldn't have been fought about in the first place. i can't keep justifying my friendships with you. i shouldn't be put in a position where i have to choose between you and my friends. there are only sooo many ways i can say and show you that you're as important to me as they are. you want my whole entire being, and honestly i dont think i can do that. you crave for my attention as if i dont give you enough. i guess the continuous hours that we spend on the phone while my friends are out is not enough. my twice a month trips up there is not enough. and i can't believe you would use you coming to visit me more against me, no sacrifices on my part....you threw sooo many low blows in almost every aspect of our relationship


so we'll see if there's anything left in me to work this out w/ you.......